Self confidence can be elusive

Self confidence can be an elusive quality, one moment you’ve got it, the next you’ve lost it. I’ve often noticed how people can seem very uncertain about doing something and then suddenly the mists have cleared, they see clearly what they need to do and how to do it, feel strong inside themselves and away they go. By contrast someone who has for example a very successful career but then loses their job and find that in their efforts to get back into work have lost their self confidence. Another example is where a very successful woman takes a career break to have children but finds on return to work that she’s lost a lot of confidence.

What is happening here? While this will vary a lot from person to person, and there will be particular matters for one person that don’t apply to others, there are certain common ingredients. What is striking is that one moment we’re full of fear and uncertainty and the next we’ve got it. It’s as though inside us there’s a part of us that is confident and can do things and it is a matter of getting in touch with it. In fact, people will have self confidence in some areas of their lives but not others, so for many of us it is not as though it’s missing entirely.

Self confidence is about faith and belief in self. The root of the word is about faith: in the Middle Ages there was the word “confidere”, meaning to “have full trust or reliance”, and the Latin for faith is “fides”. So we’re talking about our inner faith and trust. It’s very basic, fundamental stuff. No wonder we talk of the stuffing being knocked out of us when we’re received a heavy personal blow.

The greatest barrier to self confidence is fear, which is existential too, about our existence. We overcome it by learning faith and trust. Fear is the core, bottom-line negative emotion opposite to love, and as the A Course in Miracles says it is an illusion. So what we are seeking to do is develop self confidence by faith and trust in who we are are and in our capabilities. Fear is an illusion and we have all we need anyway. It’s a matter of realising it, getting in touch with what is real.

Some need to work on it, often by very practical activities. For others it is a shift of perception. In a moment they “pluck up the courage” and away they go. Then it works, and hey presto! Here’s their self confidence once more.

This is a shift very many of us need to make in all sorts of challenges we encounter in life. We can feel very self confident for a large part of our lives but something happens and it’s gone. Others have lacked it for ages in particular parts of their lives, for example in social situations. Yet the shift can be made. Fear is an illusion. We’re so much more than that.

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Having the self confidence to be direct

It has become quite a norm in certain circles to encourage people to communicate “openly”, to be “open”, by which could be meant being open, honest and direct in one’s speaking to others. However it is not something that many people find easy to do, particularly if you lack self confidence.

This difficulty, speaking up for oneself, can manifest in a variety of ways. One can be the more obvious strategy of being indirect, of implying what you want but without actually saying it. In a situation where being assertive and making a direct statement of need is required, people might feel afraid of another’s displeasure  and avoid saying what they want. You might get a sense of what they want from their energy and body language, such as averted eyes, a holding back and a reluctance, but they won’t actually say it.

Another way can be more obtuse still. One we have often noticed is what we call “not showing up”, not saying what you mean and not doing what you say. For example this can manifest in not delivering on promises. People might say to acquaintances, “Oh, yes. let’s meet up and have coffee together soon. It would be great to talk…”, etc., but somehow the meeting never actually happens. You might even email and suggest that meeting, but nothing comes back. What you are left with is a confusion as to where you stand with this person. You might think they just aren’t sincere. That might be so. However, this is where it pays to explore interpretation. There might be another explanation of what is happening. From the other person’s perspective, it might be that they are now too busy to meet up and it’s slipped down their list of priorities, but they really dread actually picking up the phone and saying so. It would require them to be straight: clear open and honest. Scary, if you lack self confidence in speaking to others in this way and dealing with the feared reaction (which probably wouldn’t be awful, but we think it might!)

The result of these strategies of indirect communication is a murky conflict of values, where you might intend one thing towards others, and probably would like nothing better than to be loved by them, but actually what you deliver is different. Hence it can be so powerful to what we call “clean up your act”, ie to start doing and saying as you mean, to live in integrity. Living this way might push some away from you, but it will draw the really good connections to you, because they will trust you so much more. Real, enduring love is based on trust.

A key theme of much of my coaching is personal self confidence and I will be writing more on this theme this week.

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Success need not be about how good you were at school

I was given a great link today to a video by Sir Ken Robinson about our western education system. For all those who might to some degree attribute their struggle to achieve success in life to the limitations of their education, or those of their parents or children, this is worth watching. Personally I’m reminded of how strongly education is dominated by a traditional academic “top-down” elitist approach, what Sir Ken calls a massive university selection system.

The current belief goes that if you want to have success in life you “must” get good academic results, get a degree (preferably from a “good” university), go on to get a Masters and now even a PhD. Yet we also currently have a high number of graduates unemployed, unless they have studied “relevant” disciplines for their chosen career (those who know what career to choose). And very many have left university with massive debts. There is a massive question in there somewhere about whether education is really serving the needs of our young for the future.

Sir Ken talks about how education squeezes creativity out of people. He points to the high levels of ADHD today and suggests that the massive multiple stimuli of the digital age and the very high levels of creativity in such people may have something to tell us about a surge in creativity that the traditional education system is unable to accommodate. You could also say that we’re just too overloading ourselves today, but I leave that to you.

I have worked with huge numbers of people who have left school with little or no “qualifications” and gone on to senior levels in business. For them, school didn’t really do it. Schools lose every year vast amounts of talent, since it is geared towards passing exams and getting people to university, which inherently eliminates people along the way, the majority. So often I meet people who say words to the effect that they “aren’t very bright.” People come out of this system thinking they are “unintelligent”, since the system was geared towards what was perceived as the “intelligent”. If you listen to teachers, they are frequently comparing pupils according to how “bright” they are. The “bright” ones get the rewards of the system, and rest are treated as “also-rans”.

Now there are lots and lots of teachers who don’t see it like this and struggle against it, and schools with more enlightened approaches. I’m thinking more of the prevailing ethos in our society and in education as a system broadly conceived.

My point in all this is that success takes many forms, is really something best defined by the individual according to their own values, understandings and aspirations, and that (and this is crucial), no one person is “better” than another and that there are multiple forms of “intelligence”. For example you can have a capability which hasn’t emerged yet and you can find it later in life. Your ability might vary. It might be rational/logical, it might be aesthetic, it might be perceptual, it might be artistic, it might be musical, it might be spiritual, it might be philosophical, it might be moral, it might be inter-personal, it be in communications, it might be in code,  it might be practical, it might be organisational. And so on. We all have value and we all have potential.

For those seeking to maximise success for themselves, we have a workshop for you to help you turn this around.

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Having empowering values and beliefs

Last week I was doing some interesting work to reflect on my key values and beliefs and my intentions. After an initial brainstorm, I and a colleague did some prioritisation and when I looked at my own values the top ones emerged as Love, Integrity and Respect. Now while that made sense to me, what was also clear was that money didn’t figure much on the list, although I clearly thought about it a lot, which was also reflected in my intentions. To have a focus on money but not have it as a core value is an interesting contradiction.

So I did a bit of inner work on the underlying beliefs connected with money in order to seek out something more powerful, and what also emerged was the thought that “Something always turns up”, which as an intention ensured that something always did turn up but which didn’t sound very big! It rather too uncomfortably allowed for tricky times before something did indeed appear.

So I did a bit more work and came up with this, “I always have everything that I need”. Now, everybody has their own beliefs and intentions and so this is not meant to be prescriptive but for me that both felt authentic, as it came very cleanly and strongly from within, and it it felt vastly more supportive for what I am doing. It felt like something I believed in.

There’s much that can be done to root out our core assumptions, our beliefs, our root thoughts about ourselves, other people and life, that tend to govern how we live our lives. Now I’m not trying to be very systematic about values and beliefs in this article, and there are ways of being a lot more so, but just want to illustrate from my own experience how we can get ourselves into knots over our values and beliefs and what we then set up as goals or intentions. What can occur is that we continue to live out of outmoded values and beliefs, although we have moved on in other parts of our lives,  or we tend to hold ones that don’t serve us and hold up our lives.

Even if you have already done work on this sort of stuff, unhelpful values and beliefs can still linger in the background. We are not aware of them and our limited awareness then ensures we continue to operate out of limiting states in certain aspects of our lives. Money is a very good example of this, as so many of us are so very hung up about it and push it away rather than accept it or embrace it, lets say as a neutral tool for transactions that help us get what we want. Or make it part of our faith and trust in life for what we want to occur for us.

This is classic material for powerful life coaching, getting clear what you value, believe and intend to make happen

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Are we lacking a one world perspective on age?

A sad feature of the current economic malaise is to find perceived causes or even scapegoats for the problem among different sectors in our society. One example has been to blame it on immigration, as the European far right are doing right now. Another such tendency is to make it an age-related issue.

I was struck today by an article arguing that a solution to the large size of youth unemployment was for the over-50′s to resign en masse. Lucy Kellaway was suggesting that the over-50′s would be more able to create other work than those who lacked any work experience. She was also saying she wouldn’t be resigning herself.

Recently the Intergenerational Foundation has been arguing that one solution to the difficulties faced by young people in getting on the housing ladder in the UK was in persuading older people in large houses with under-utilised space to downsize.

Both in their way are pointing to the challenges being posed in so-called “advanced” countries of having an ageing population. We can see the issue too in the problems of care for the very old, whose numbers are rapidly increasing, and too in the squeeze on pensions and the problems people are increasingly facing in funding their retirements to come. As with other such issues of change, it is very much a matter of the choices we adopt to manage these changes. I guess what concerns me here is the tendency to go for simplistic solutions to complex problems that concern us all and which in a democratic society need to be agreed upon by all.

For example we can also argue that the housing crisis is partly due to a long-term failure to provide sufficient housing stock in a very overpopulated island, a preoccupation with the owner-occupier ideal, the love of the detached house and garden and a dread of high-rise housing blocks. We could say we have been going through a very deep recession, in economic terms a depression, and that high unemployment tends to be par for the course. Then we could point to the failure to maintain an industrial base and to provide apprenticeships in sufficient number. And for decades we have continued to fail to get to grips with the integration of school leavers into working life, with an education system dominated by the academic university ideal and no thought-through process of preparing young people for work that would offer usable skills to employers. We have simply ducked this issue totally.

Then again in recent recessions there are usually two sets of people who typically get hit, the under-25′s and the over-50′s. This recession is no different. Both struggle to get work.

Of course older people could get defensive about the issue and say they’ve paid their dues in taxes and work, they’ve earned what they have, they’ve already being supporting their own children through, for example, higher tertiary education costs and are still housing them at home, etc. This sort of stuff would of course be more of the same, also adversarial. And a mask for a deeper discomfort, which some are reporting. After all, the duty of the young is to receive and the older to give. There’s a natural reciprocity, instinctual even.

Other countries might look askance at this debate, for example in countries where family cohesion is much stronger and the concept of respect for older people much more deeply ingrained, and where family wealth might be much more jealously guarded and handed on. Perhaps in the UK we are now paying the price for the disintegration of family of the last few decades.

This is a complex issue and it needs a cross-spectrum approach to deal with it. However, the pattern of recessions is to divide people and this is reflected in political crises, unstable governments and radicalisation. Thus it becomes all the more important to rise above the petty, adversarial squabbles that are occurring and look for statesman-like solutions that are supported across the political and social spectrum. There is always a basic fund of goodwill that gets eclipsed in an adversarial situation but can emerge if fostered. After all, let us not forget that at essence, we are all One and this is One world. What we do to others we do to ourselves.

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Let go of stress and be present

It’s probably generally agreed that holiday breaks are good for body, mind and soul, although it might surprise some people that there are those who don’t take breaks they are entitled to. We can get so addicted to work that we can carry on without interruption, even making a virtue out of it. Then the body has a way of complaining, such as getting colds or worse, and we are forced to take time out. This way of making stress OK and neglecting our bodies can have serious consequences. We might not notice it at first but gradually th strain accumulates and then we start getting things we can’t shake off. Burn-out is a well-known example of this, or where people’s auto-immune system is damaged, or they get ME.

View from terrace across Lot valley August

View from terrace across Lot valley August

So, it’s good to have time out. Mine is to go on retreat to this lovely part of South West France, where there are beautiful views and it is very quiet. This year it is wet, much like a lot of Europe, which is good for averting the drought we were faced with. So there’s masses of small birds around the garden and masses of tweeting and bird-song.

It’s a good place and a good time for extended meditation. But first there’s the letting go, letting go of the pace of life of 21st Century Britain, letting go of all that energy invested in getting things done, in thinking and in delivery of tasks. Just stopping. One big massive pause. At first, it might seem like there’s overwhelming tiredness, and lots of sleeping, but that’s just part of the process of letting go – and being present and aware. Letting go of thinking, leaving behind all those thoughts, many of which were probably unnecessary anyway. A useful visualisation is when taking off in the plane to imagine leaving behind all those thoughts, back there on the runway. But you might still need to consciously practice continuing to let go, so much can the habits of fast-paced contemporary living get ingrained into the system.

Then let go of feeling guilty that here you are, out here, doing nothing. Letting go of that inner critic that insists things like “the devil makes work for idle hands”, as the old saying went.

And then be at peace.

Be present and aware. Right here, right now. Whatever is, just is. There’s nothing but the present. Being still and aware. And feel all that goodness, healing, and contentment flooding through every cell in the body, healing, repairing, restoring, re-energising, re-vitalising every part of the body, and bring it back into full awareness of wholeness.

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Being the watcher of your self

So much of the time, we’re busy, hectic, rushing, no time for anything, madly dashing to get somewhere, moving on to the next thing. So, this time, as you are about to plunge into your Monday morning of busyness, just pause a moment and give yourself some space.

The beauty of meditation is that it is like a microcosm of our lives. When we meditate, we potentially get to see what we do in life. This is one reason why it is such an excellent self-development tool. So, to pause and meditate a bit, you can detach from your busyness and just observe it.

It has been said that meditation is what happens when people sit with the intention to meditate. All our ways of being can be present and we get to see all our patterns. For example we expect meditation to be a certain way and get disappointed when it doesn’t work out that way. A bit like life.

Most people comment that they keep getting all these thoughts. So, what can you do when you get these thoughts? Well, there is the practice of attending to the breath as a focus, or using a mantra, which is a sacred phrase or vibration. However, another very useful technique is to be the watcher of your thoughts, as the silent witness. You sit and observe your thoughts, in a non-judgemental way. You just notice them. You don’t try to resist the thoughts, just notice them. They say that a watched mind becomes still.

The witness is not an inner critic, which is another part of the ego. It is a still, silence, observing state, an awareness. It has a great inner peace about it. You just allow yourself to be the witness.

You can apply the technique in the rest of your life. Just notice what you’re doing, being aware of it, rather than let’s say caught up in a pattern that doesn’t serve you. This way your carry your calm state with you as you go abaout your life. When you find yourself caught up again, remember the witness, breathe and allow yourself to just notice.

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People who kill others for political reasons

It must have been a chilling spectacle to watch the trial of Anders Breivik in Norway at present, the man charged with mass murder last year, if it wasn’t also heart-rending for the families of the victims.

One aspect that is most disturbing is Breivik’s admission that he carried out the attacks that killed 77 people and that he is apparently emotionless and is pleading not guilty on the grounds of acting in self-defence. The man appears utterly convinced that what he did is right (and we have commented elsewhere in this blog about the term “right”), and is arguing about the need to fight against “multiculturalism” and the perceived “Islamic demographic warfare”.

This is a trial which arguably has implications not just in Norway, who have been totally stunned by what is alleged to have happened in a very tolerant, humane, fair-minded society, but also elsewhere in Europe and much further afield. This man’s alleged actions have very unpleasant echoes of a militant right-wing extremism that many of us had thought was defeated in 1945.

No doubt it goes right against the values of the vast majority of Norwegians, but in a broader sense we all need to be thinking about this tendency in European political life. Breivik is making a political statement and it will have echoes underground in parts of Europe where the ideals of Nazism and fellow extremist beliefs are still a subject of interest.

Such ideals include a concept of racial purity and a perception that the influx of people from other parts of the world are somehow a threat to this and to the values of Breivik’s world. Moreover, he clearly thinks it is legitimate to counter such perceived trends by the mass killing of his political adversaries. This is like a leaf out of Mein Kampf, as when Hilter advocated the ethnic cleansing of Eastern Europe in the cause of Lebensraum. Such ideas influenced the SS who ran Auschwitz and other death camps and were trained in brutalisation and carried out mass murder too. It would seem that such partisans are still alive and kicking in different parts of the globe. For example, there are still active German Nazis and recently the American Nazi Party has applied to Congress to be recognised as lobbyists.

So we, those who care about the brotherhood of man and the essential Oneness of us all, beyond distinctions of political opinion, do need to think hard about how we engage with the fellow travellers of this trend in European politics and how we advocate and defend a viewpoint which stands for something far more noble and respectful of all human beings and refuses to endorse the killing of others, whether for political or non-political reasons.

When Hitler was tried for his attempted putsch in 1923 he treated the trial as an opportune platform for political statements. Lets hope this trial doesn’t go down the same route.

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Going beyond sense to make sense

It was good to watch Will.i.am choosing the last entrant in last Saturday’s BBC TV’s The Voice UK. It was the last person to sing before the panel of illustrious people from the music industry and Will.i.am had waited till then in the hope of filling his last remaining place in his team. He had turned down earlier good-seeming performers and was taking a risk. It proved to be well-rewarded as the final singer, Jaz Ellington, proved to be outstanding.

At the end, Will.i.am said he went “with the gut”, trusting his instinct in waiting for the last person, which is something he says he does a lot. It was a nice example of how important this can be, to tune into and trust your intuition. People who are used to being “in their heads”, used to thinking things through, rationality and logic, can miss out on this very useful part of our mind. For them it can seem strange, if not hard, to start to cultivate an awareness of our intuitive side.

People who “go with the gut” will know instinctively what action to take when there is some uncertainty as to a course of action. When presented with a series of options, they will often choose rapidly, without a lot of debate and consideration. Not that we all have to do that, and there’s great advantage in being for example pragmatic and working things out, or looking at things systematically, or going away and thinking about it. The value of intuition is broader than that. When you develop your intuitive side, you can tune more inside and listen to your inner voice and what it has to tell you. You can get the “sense” of something, know how it feels. Going “with the gut” means tuning into your body and getting a sense of what your body is telling you. The body carries great wisdom, and when we step beyond our rationality and ask our body “what’s there”, out will come an interesting insight into a situation that we hadn’t considered.

Developing intuition is something people do on a path of personal development or self improvement. It’s about tapping into something much broader and bigger than the “sweaty little ego”, something much bigger than our own limited person, a fund of wisdom that reaches out beyond our “self” conventionally understood. This is variously described as “the collective unconscious” by Jung, the Zero Point Field by Quantum physics, or being outside the boundary conditions of your thinking in NLP, and so on.

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In adversity it’s time to get resourceful

With lots of change going on in the work-place, people will very likely be finding things difficult, especially as for lots of people at present the workplace is very stressful, along with financial cutbacks. As we’ve discussed in this blog, change often comes to people in bunches. They’ve got lets say a change at work when parallel to this is a lot happening on the home front too. Or a parent dies and you’ve just split up with a partner and been told you’ve got a serious illness.

Flexibility is a hard one if you’re confronted with a change you don’t like and don’t want. This is when people can dig in their heals and resist like mad. The trouble is that the change ends up happening and the only ones who seem to be suffering in the end is us.

When we get scared, we tend to put up the barriers. Too much of our energy is invested in holding on and surviving. Thus we don’t have the openness to alternative possibilities. We’ve shut down on our right-brain thinking and our creativity. So we don’t necessarily see the options in a situation. We also fear for the future and don’t always think that things could work out as we want.

If we went into a situation imagining we had multiple possibilities, we might then be able to work out different ways of dealing with it. We might see alternative scenarios working out for us, and can plan alternative strategies, each for a different eventuality.

Flexibility is a crucial change management skill. With flexibility, your beliefs are more open to things working out. You may be more positive in your outlook towards life and other people. You might be more optimistic, and believe that whatever happens will be for the best. I’ve always been struck how things work out well for people with this orientation to life. They tend to be more resourceful and have ideas to deal with situations. They are less invested in the fear of things going wrong and more in what they might do and how it will benefit them.

Flexibility can be cultivated. One might for example deliberately teach oneself to breathe and let go of fear, and deliberately have the intention that things will work out. One can teach oneself to think in terms of developing options. One can train oneself to challenge the negative, doubting, fearful side.

More is possible than we might think. So, if you’re feeling up against it at the moment, maybe this is the universe telling you to get resourceful.

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