Where you are is where you are

19 February 2012 By Leave a Comment

Here’s an interesting quote to reflect on this weekend: “Wherever you go, there you are.” (Tolle). Do you ever find that you wish you weren’t where you are, that there must be some place or situation better than this one?

We can invest huge amounts of energy and longing into thinking we’d rather be somewhere else. For example, not liking the house you are in, not liking the job you’ve got, not liking the person you are with, or direction you seem to be going in, or the place you are physically at. The grass is always greener on the other side. What someone else has is better than what we’ve got.

It’s the ego thing of comparison. We compare the status quo with some seemingly better alternative. But you don’t actually know. The other place might not turn out to be any better. Those other people who look so happy could be miserable inside and the outward manifestation just a facade. The job you have might need a spring clean and you may not actually need to move.

We can get heavily invested in things not being “good enough”. There can be a permanent air of dissatisfaction with life, always something at fault.

So, the awareness work could be to just notice that, and be in the moment. Where you are is where you are. Let go, step into the present moment and appreciate what you’ve got. Everything is contained in the present moment.

You might find you’ll notice it if someone took it away!

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How feeling alone, separate and isolated causes us grief

14 December 2011 By

One of our big human dilemmas or challenges is the extent to which we feel connected to another and the degree to which we feel separate. Feeling separate is a classic ego characteristic.

When a couple fall out in a blazing row, they may both be angry but they are probably upset too, and one underlying sense is of the gulf between them and how alone each feels. It’s a classic example of the dance between being together and separate, in Gestalt terms between confluence and isolation. Each may have their positions and their points of view but both are likely to be acutely aware of the gap between them. They may of course make up and a driver in that could be the fear of aloneness or of losing the other one. It might be love of course, but it is often worth exploring how much the fear factor of separation and isolation also plays a part.

Another way this ego characteristic can operate is feeling different from others, which also brings in a tendency to compare oneself with others and to see “good” and “bad” points in oneself or with others as a comparison. Being separate could include a tendency to pull apart or not get involved, even to prizing independence. One might not like to get too close and fear closeness and intimacy.

Existentialists speak of the existential dilemma of the fact of death and the fear very many have of what might happen when their lives end. It underlies much of the fear of separation and isolation, that there might for example be nothing, a void. Also we speak of whether a person sees a void in their lives as barren or fertile.

You could also say that what humans need is love, and the feeling of separation is a very painful revival of the fear of not being loved.

Learning to face the void, to experience the fear of isolation and to move through it, can be an enormous healing, in that what people can find is an immense love that lies beyond it. Because when we finally really let go of fear, that all there really is. People who have near-death experiences or who move through immense suffering and have an awakening experience report this occurring. We’re not really alone and isolated. That’s ego. We’re all One. The pain and the tragedy of being human is that we somehow many of us often seem to have to go through the pain of separation to find this out.

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Need expectation and jealousy as the three love destroyers

7 December 2011 By

In his book “Friendship with God”, Neale Donald Walsch gives three love-killers as need, expectation and jealousy. It’s a powerful ego trio and good material for our ego watch today, given the approach of Christmas.

It can be sometimes very difficult to disentangle need, expectation and jealousy from love but they can cut across the clear, simple, unconditional caring for another and poison it entirely.

Need can include wanting from another as if one’s happiness and even survival depends on it. “I must have this in order to feel OK”. So it brings in things like deficit need, an unsatisfied emotional need that festers inside and won’t go away despite what others might do. In fact whatever they might do is “not enough” and there is this sense of there “not being enough”. Need can get very clingy, or others might feel they are being sucked dry emotionally. People might want to push a needy person away. Need might show itself as “What I want” in a forceful or underhand way rather than a clear self-expression without attachment. Another way is to be very focused on getting one’s own needs met, often without much regard for others except as to manipulate to get the desired result.

Expectation can be similar, as all three of these are variations on egoic desire. So, to expect things of others is to place conditions or standards on their behaviour, other people’s standards rather than their own. It’s rife in business of course, but we’re looking at emotional expectation here. There’s an expectation that people will show up in a particular way, and meet another’s needs. Again there’s a dependence on another’s behaviour for one to feel OK. If you are at the receiving end, you might feel you are always dancing to another’s tune, and your needs aren’t getting much of a look in.

Jealousy can be more of an angry emotion, if emotion is the right word. For example they might have what you want. There’s perhaps the sense you don’t match up to them and you resent it. You might think they are “better” than you, or have more than you, or have higher status, or are more successful, or are more beautiful, or have the “better” partner, or are richer, etc. It is aimed at the other person and can get very nasty. Love jealousy of course is a particularly strong example, when someone you fancy fancies another, or you think they do. The classic story of love jealousy is Shakespeare’s Othello.

With all three, love has got distorted, even to the extent that love might be entirely missing. One might think it is about love, but these feelings are quite different. They can of course destroy relationships.

The approach of Christmas, when families gather and we appreciate one another, is a good time to be reflecting on what we can take responsibility for, that we are creating, that we can potentially choose to let go, so as to connect once again with the pure simplicity of love for its own sake. And to remember, you and another are One.

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When not being who you are becomes narcissistic

23 November 2011 By

One difficulty with being authentic is knowing what “authentic” is. So many people have learned as part of their “creative adjustment” to life to fake it, to present a “false self”, and so it can pose a challenge for them to find their “real” selves. Hence today, our ego watch is about this feature.

Much is written about contemporary narcissism, excessive self absorption, particularly among leaders in society. It can show up as a lack of empathy or understanding for others and in self importance and selfishness. In one way it is not surprising in that one might be like that given the need to focus on oneself to drive a career forward, for example. However, there’s a big difference between loving ourselves, having self-belief and in honouring our Self as a healthy trait on the one hand, and egoic self admiration. And it’s not appreciated by others who often say of these people that they have “a big ego”, and might have suffered from that person’s ego, even though many may also admire it. A way it can show up is in grandiosity, a tendency to be larger than life in a way that needs to emphasis superiority over others, and perhaps too to put others down, sometimes ruthlessly, or to continually compare oneself to others. They are likely to really struggle to see things from another’s point of view and can lack feeling and warmth in human relationships, except in so far as it serves their own interests.

As an ego trait of course this is a trait along with many others, as in the “puffed up peacock”, as opposed to its polar opposite, self deprecation, putting oneself down. However it is what is often associated with the term “ego” in popular parlance.

In self awareness and self development there can be a trap for one with this trait, in that the interest in the self stimulated by self development can actually reinforce a false or exaggerated self. They might actually deny a real exploration of themselves as too threatening. So rather than moving beyond the ego they in effect build it up further. A way this might show up is in a false empathy for others, and a contrived display of the behaviours often seen in people in this field. So they might “do” self disclosure and passion for example, and others might admire it, since it succeeds in getting what they want, admiration, but not necessarily any breakthrough to who they really are.

Indeed a breakthrough of that kind might be very threatening, since it can pose significant problems of identity (“So who am I then?”) as well as feelings of inadequacy that have lain dormant. The need for support through such a transition in order to discover their true magnificence would then be very important. An example of the result though could include the ability to form warm and mutually intimate relationships and constructive interactions with others that build resonance, trust and safety.

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The possibilities that are available when we let down our barriers to others

16 November 2011 By

What can get in the way of giving, generosity, caring for another, respect? There’s a set of ego characteristics here that makes a good subject for our Ego Watch this week. And it’s very topical in the sense that in recessions, people can get more self-focused and less generous to others, not surprisingly you might think. Notice the attention given to perceived “benefit scroungers”, as opposed to values like fairness and caring for the vulnerable. So what’s going on here?

One aspect can be that we, some of us that is, are more self-absorbed, in that our focus is directed towards ourselves, and we therefore don’t give the time to think of others. Another can be that we, some of us, are closed off to others, in some way not just not focused that way but also shutting off our hearts to others. Related to this, some may even be hostile in some degree to other people. So it is a moot point as to whether it is a matter of values or also an underlying lack of availability and a disposition to other people. Some might also see relationships as ones designed purely to serve us ourselves, “What can I get for me?” One trainer I remember once describing people as either “you-centred” or “I-centred”. Of course we have a word of disapproval for all this, “selfish”. Somewhere in here, the ego would feel threatened by the opening to others that might occur when we shift our perspective.

I’ve often noticed that in self-development work, an orientation towards others shifts when people do their work on themselves, not necessarily because they think they need to change in this way, perhaps far from it, but because something changes in them as a result of which their disposition towards others changes too. This is what I find particularly fascinating.

One way this can occur is when the individual deals with the upsets and hurts inside and their hearts open. Also the power of working in groups is the sharing aspect, where we get to hear of others and so often how their challenges are similar in some way to ours. So we get to feel for another and see how it really is for them, and not as we had presumed – so often the case. And in group work we also get to see not only how alike others we often really are, but also potentially experience the Oneness of us all, that you and I are One. In this space, we really meet each other, and really feel unconditional love. When you get an experience like that, all else drops away, and you can’t really see people differently and as aliens any more. Yes, some of the shell may return, but the experience lingers. And if you really work on it, treat it as part of your journey, you’ll find it more and more.

Then being of service to another, having true generosity of spirit, is entirely natural.

This is a very powerful lesson for humanity.

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It is a journey to learn to honour and approve of yourself

9 November 2011 By

People who struggle to value, praise or appreciate others are often ones for whom the idea of valuing people overtly is not an easy one to do. A root cause of this can be because they do not value themselves underneath. Also people who look for appreciation from others can find it missing in themselves. So our ego watch for today is self-deprecation, putting ourselves down.

People who put themselves down are ones who might for example when invited to have something for themselves will decline it, saying “It doesn’t matter.” They may push it away, implying it isn’t important, but might leave you with the sense they they aren’t actually valuing themselves. Of course many of us were taught to be modest, to not “push” ourselves forward, to “not be pushy”, to keep quiet, to not draw attention to ourselves, to “not boast”, to keep a low profile. Can you read all the “nots” in that?! It is of course profoundly negative.

The person who doesn’t value themselves may hold the core belief inside that they are “not good enough”, that they “don’t matter”. It’s a profoundly unhappy place. You’ll hear it in things like an inability to acknowledge ability: “I’m no good at…” whatever it is. You can hear the words “I’m no good” in there. Another manifestation is apology, “I’m sorry”, often when there’s nothing to apologise for.

Self-deprecation can be very effectively covered up. People may act the reverse to the underlying belief. Or they may have their hearts closed, being reluctant to contact the pain inside.

Yet often a core aspect is a dislike of self, a shame, that goes back a long way. But it is not who we are.

This is where self-esteem, confidence and positive psychology work is important. The affirmation needs to be “I love, value and appreciate myself”. But to be able to say that to yourself, you are very likely to need to work on developing a sense of self-value, of how it feels inside, and finding the space inside where you begin to love yourself. Words on their own don’t quite do it. We would take positive psychology a step further. Self-deprecation is a hugely powerful negative ego trait. It nicely illustrates the function of the ego in masking the real Self, who you really are. The underlying Self is bliss, joy, love, contentment, peace. This Self is the source of all that is good about oneself. It feels so good. So it is a fundamental shift to make, from self-deprecation to honouring the Self. This is where developing an inner awareness of the authentic Self is a major, powerful journey.

This is part of what we teach in our awareness work.

As a simple awareness practice in the meantime however, catch yourself putting yourself down, not valuing yourself, and say to yourself empowering words, like “I love, value and appreciate myself”. It needs regular practice since self-deprecation is often very well-entrenched.

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When you see life as full of problems

2 November 2011 By

When times are difficult, people tend to focus more on problems. So this is our “ego watch” topic for this week.

One who is likely to be absorbed with problems, tends to experience problems a lot. In Law of Attraction terms, they draw to problems to them. They will tend to see problems in situations, where a more optimistic person might see opportunities. They might speak of “my problems” or refer to people who “have problems”. So things are likely to be difficult for them. Wellbeing and happiness for them might tend to be found in the external world, and they believe that things have to be fixed first before this can occur. They may as a result be excellent problem solvers – there’s often another side – but their energy is likely to be strongly focused on the problem.

There is thus a tendency to put off to the future “being happy”. They may think, “When this is sorted, then it will be OK.” It would of course be OK if only other people, situations, the world, life were different. So they might blame others or circumstances.

If the problem is seen as internal, then they might find fault with themselves, apologise for themselves, or put themselves down. So they might be quite self-absorbed, working on the problem, and self-critical.

As any reader who has been following “Ego Watch” for a while might have seen, the key is to notice the pattern of being absorbed in a problem, and/or in regarding something as a problem in the first place. It is a matter of perception of course. We think there’s a problem. We make it be a problem. We look for it. So, one approach might be to change our attitude and how we present things to ourselves. Another is what in NLP terms is called a reframe, when we alter the perspective on something, or change the context in which it is viewed. Another approach is to shift attention to something else, or shift our energy, or let it go. When we no longer invest energy in something, it somehow changes its shape or seems less important, or is suddenly easily solved, or is simply no longer there. This fundamentally all about shifting state, changing our mind about something – and about how we see ourselves.

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Being addicted to the negative in life

19 October 2011 By

In my work recently I’ve been noticing how powerful can be what I’d call an addiction to negativity, to seeing the downside in oneself, other people, situations, what’s happening, the world today, etc. So this is our “ego watch” subject for today.

It seems like a habit one can get into that almost feels comfortable, which is a good ego sign. After all, the ego wants us to feel safe. We legitimise is, make it OK. So as a “point of awareness”, you might check with yourself if you find yourself doing things like this.

My wife refers to such patterning as “soap box moments”, when we get so “on it” about something, like we’re feeling very self-righteous (more ego indications), and that the other is “wrong”, at fault, not good enough, and we get start to proclaim about the matter as if we’re talking to some imaginary crowd. It can even seem like self-importance, more ego stuff. We’ll find ourselves looking for the pessimistic in what’s going on, the “yes, but”. If we’re offered a positive thought, we’ll find a loophole in it. Nothing is quite right. The current situation isn’t good enough. Something is always missing.

One way I often think about it is the way we can think that life is OK, or will get OK, “but for” that situation, set of circumstances or other people. It’s as though there’s always a block on our happiness. I’ve discussed with people how they can just very faintly notice an inner doubt lurk in the background whenever they are confronted with something positive or uplifting. It’s as though we believe we can’t really be happy, that it’s not possible.

I’d call it addictive in that the pattern keeps happening. We don’t seem to be able to get off it, or not for long. Some even say to me that they find themselves looking for the downside. “This can’t possibly be perfect.” And it’s also addictive in that can actually get off on it, find a perverse pleasure or satisfaction in thinking this way. Ironic, getting pleasure out of what makes us unhappy.

In ultimate reality, it is perfect, which can totally challenge what we are about. There is total love, peace and joy. But we won’t let ourselves go there. Until that is we learn to challenge the whole outlook, patterning and belief system that keeps this in place, to challenge the ego, and let go of it.

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When we are focused on wanting, nothing happens

13 October 2011 By

Ambitious business womanOur ego watch subject today is desire, wanting. No doubt lots of us are extremely aware of wanting in a very negative way, in that we are, lots of us, feeling the pinch as a result of the recession “double-whammy”. No doubt you’ve read recently about how living standards are falling. Last night I was listening on the radio to heart-rending accounts of the difficulties people were experiencing in trying to make ends meet here in the UK. To say, in this context, that “wanting” is an ego characteristic may seem very heartless. Yet this is what happens. Survival behaviour is typical ego, whatever it is about, since the ego is all about keeping us safe. So it will worry about our situation.

“Wanting” in this context is being aware of lack, what is missing, and wanting to have it. It can show in all sorts of ways, like wanting to get a business project going and then as it doesn’t seem to be getting going as you’d like, you start to worry about it, and then the sense of wanting becomes a negative one as opposed to an optimistic one. Or you might find yourself looking with envy at others who seem to be “doing OK”. What we’d be doing here is making a comparison between our perceived lack and what we think others have. Wanting is strongly deficit need, based subtly on a sense of personal inadequacy. There’s often a belief that “there’s not enough”, as opposed to abundance thinking, which can link in fast with “I’m not good enough”, since we often blame ourselves for the situation, if we don’t blame others. In Law of attraction terms, wanting places a distance between us and what we want. If experienced negatively, it attracts negatively. So we push away what we want, we block the door through which the abundant universe is sending us what we want, and instead we get more of what we fear since our thoughts are often focused more in that direction.

Many successful entrepreneurs that I have met have testified to this. Behind many successful entrepreneurs is also a succession of failures. They know well what can happen when they get into this state. Nothing happens.

So the key point is to shift your state. Let go of wanting in the negative sense of awareness of lack. Shift your thinking to what it is you are creating. Re-state your goals and take action on them: “feel the fear and do it anyway”, as the saying goes. Get out your vision statement, dust it down and focus on visualising the desired outcome. Thinking about what you are good at, your worth, your strengths and where you can be successful, and focus on that. Let go of attachment to “it isn’t working”. The universe is ever-abundant. We’re just struggling with that at the moment. Time to let it go, despite what seems to be going on. Every time we go back down a negative spiral, let it, stop that line of thinking, and re-focus. It is a battle of wills, since a lot of this is about will. But it is also about letting go and shifting state, a much more subtle movement within, where we become aware of who we really are and work from That space, an alteration of awareness. Connected to Source, we then have access to our own power within. Then what so often happens is that we see things differently, and new possibilities open up and we have more energy to take action.

These are testing times, but out of this come powerful learnings, about ourselves and about what we can create, and how we can create it, from an authentic state of Being.

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Being in survival mode is ego

28 September 2011 By

For our ego watch today we’ll take the whole survival mentality, since this is where people can so easily go when faced with economic challenge and hardship.

After all, it’s so easy, although that’s not how we’d like to see it! You read all sorts of scary headlines about the economy, share or stock prices, house prices, or whatever, and the heart starts beating fast, you go cold, a terror gets a hold, and in a panic you start thinking of all sorts of cataclysmic scenarios. Or you feel like getting out. Or you freeze, and can’t think at all. All well-known stress responses.

The ego is all about survival, keeping us safe. This is our false identification, who we think we are. So, with these sorts of scenarios, it can kick in very fast, a knee-jerk response, seemingly spontaneous, with a feeling response to go with it, all good indicators of the ego at work. Years ago Maslow developed a whole model of this, a “hierarchy of needs” that put physical survival at the bottom and self-actualisation at the top. It won’t surprise you to notice that, while we’re feeling good we’re probably nearer the top, but when the ego kicks in with our scenario we flip back down to the bottom! This is very frustrating to those on a personal development path, since it seems all our efforts have been spoiled.

Well, it hasn’t. This is all part of the personal and spiritual journey and why we need to develop and maintain a personal development or a spiritual practice. The power of Awareness is to spot when the ego is at work and to interrupt it and then to use technique to manage the mind and bring yourself back to your centred state. And keep doing it, whatever occurs. Don’t make yourself wrong or think you’ve failed if your ego management strategy seems not to have worked. That’s how things seem at the moment. They can change, and so we focus, stay on purpose and work to shift our state.

This is all the more important when fear has kicked in and we’re in survival mode. This is not who we are. Time to work on it.

We teach this vital skill of shifting state on our program.

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