I’m focusing here on the feeling, not so much on the actual situation, as it is often perception-dependent. For example it is perfectly possible to begin new careers, to position yourself and operate differently in the market place and, given the likelihood that many will now work for much longer than they used to, the contribution of the older person at work will over time change and be seen differently and more positively. For example, there is the contribution of knowledge, expertise and wisdom and many smarter ones are already selling this contribution. Such people evaluate the market and re-position their offering.

However, in self-awareness terms, it is worth looking at how the older person perceives their situation, and not just in work-related terms. It can be very easy to get locked into a self-perception that you are “over the hill”. This is all about self-confidence and self-belief. People who find themselves no longer in the first flush of youth can start to doubt themselves, at any stage. It can be very easy to talk ourselves out of our capabilities, and then what we believe manifests itself. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

To change the perception will vary from person to person, but it can include counting our blessings and identifying our assets, rather than limiting our sense of our potential by a comparison with others. So often in groups I’ve listened to people describe a very self-deprecating and self-limiting view of themselves, only to hear other much more positive perceptions of them by others. Such is the power of the mind. Where the mind goes, the energy flows. Talk ourselves down, and down things go.

So, for the older person, and I mean “older” simply as a comparison with “younger” and this could be at any age in fact, this is about looking at what we make ourselves and the world mean, and re-framing those that are not serving us. So a useful activity could be to write down all the self-deprecating words you use about yourself and the age-related comparisons you’re making with others, as a list on one side of a sheet of paper. Then on the other side, come up with positive re-descriptions of what you offer. It may take some work, and you may need to ask others, and re-visit the list. However, this is about finding ways to view ourselves differently. Then the point is the get into valuing yourself, rather than not, and then present yourself to the world from this new space.

What can often drive concern over what one is doing and what one is achieving is a hidden sense that time is running out. It’s the realisation, for true or false, that “there’s not so much time left” to do whatever it is that one is driven by. With age milestones, we are often brought closer to our own mortality. It’s not a subject most of us like to think about and given the fear of dying and death, it’s not surprising we avoid it. So, something that gets us to think about an aspect of it can be chilling.

This can also come up with the loss of a loved one, as well as the grief around their loss. Or the death of others not so close to us. We might ask ourselves what’s it all about, or what does life mean for us. And if the answer’s a bit negative, we’re likely to go looking for things that provide a stronger sense of purpose. Or we might look anew at our careers, or whatever else is important for us.

Accomplishment and success is a major driver for many people, the sense that you’ve achieved what you set out to do, but also for many it’s what you are doing is in line with your goals in life. Are you, in other words, “on purpose”?

As people get older, along with the sense of “time running out” is the concern over their capabilities and the willingness of society to accept their contribution. In an ageist environment like the UK, where there’s still age discrimination despite legislation, there’s obviously concern over employment. But behind that can also lie a question linked with self-belief. “How much longer can I do this?” The likelihood is that it’s a lot longer, but it’s the limiting belief that needs looking at. Then there’s the recession, which is hitting those over 50 and those under 25, with a sense of reduced opportunity. So, one may feel constrained or limited.

From a self awareness perspective, the point is to look at what is driving the sense of crisis or challenge that people so often experience with age-related milestones, one that can set in some time after the birthday champagne has been drunk.

These are classic reasons which bring people into self development and I often hear them voiced in my seminars.

Britain has a had a long and troubled relationship with drink, as seen in the gin drinking of the 18th portrayed in Hogarth’s engravings such as Gin Lane, or the campaigns to stop it such as the 19th Century Temperance Movement. Today a lot of drinking has been fuelled by its relative low cost and ready availability in supermarkets. As at present every so often there is discussion on limiting its availability. Yet while a supply-side approach has its advantages, it is also worth looking at demand and about personal responsibility and accountability and the struggles people have to manage their inclination to addiction of one kind or another.

Arguably the really insiduous and dangerous side to alcohol consumption is the slow, steady excess that can build up at home in the regular evening drink with a meal and confortably slumped in front of the TV and other seemingly harmless evening leisure pursuits. As a number of recent reports have been showing, the danger of long-term drinking is the gradual threat to our internal organs and the increased susceptibility to deadly diseases related to the colon, bladder and liver among others. Now there is suggestion to abstain for three days a week, to allow the liver to recover. For the regular consumer, that can be a challenge.

For those interested in self development and also the regular glass of wine, for  example, it is worth exploring your awareness around what might be called an attachment to the glass of wine and the issues raised by not having it. You could for example write down what comes up for you on each of these aspects.

What is involved in the pleasure? Is it your stimulated taste buds, or is it that lift you get followed by lets say a pleasant woozy feeling? Are you tired at the end of the day or exhausted or fed up and the thought of the wine or whatever is a nice way of taking you way from all that? Is it the social thing, of sharing it with another, who also likes doing it? Of course you might be a wine connoiseur and having a “good glass” does it for you – and your pocket.

On the other side, what comes up if you try not to have it. Do you get disgruntled, bored, not knowing what to do, for example? Has a hole just been knocked into how you spend your evening? Do you miss that diversion from whatever has been going on during the day. Have you just lost part of what defined your lifestyle? One can picture it, getting home, mixing that salad, the drizzle of balsamic vinegar, the chicken in wine sauce and some boiled new potatoes, all seemingly very healthy, and accompanied by a nice large glass of chilled white Burgundy and a good conversation (Oh, and you then just have to top up that glass, and then why leave that little bit at the bottom of the bottle?)

From a self development perspective, it’s worth looking at every part of that picture, and see what factors contribute to the regular drinking pattern.

Alcohol, like other addictions, is a powerful way that we disconnect from what’s really going on, and diverts us from dealing with them – at our own expense, literally and metaphorically.

We can invest huge amounts of energy and longing into thinking we’d rather be somewhere else. For example, not liking the house you are in, not liking the job you’ve got, not liking the person you are with, or direction you seem to be going in, or the place you are physically at. The grass is always greener on the other side. What someone else has is better than what we’ve got.

It’s the ego thing of comparison. We compare the status quo with some seemingly better alternative. But you don’t actually know. The other place might not turn out to be any better. Those other people who look so happy could be miserable inside and the outward manifestation just a facade. The job you have might need a spring clean and you may not actually need to move.

We can get heavily invested in things not being “good enough”. There can be a permanent air of dissatisfaction with life, always something at fault.

So, the awareness work could be to just notice that, and be in the moment. Where you are is where you are. Let go, step into the present moment and appreciate what you’ve got. Everything is contained in the present moment.

You might find you’ll notice it if someone took it away!

If the pursuit of the awareness of love is taken further, if for example we practice such awareness in ways consistent with our own chosen spiritual practice, then this love deepens. It becomes a pursuit in its own right. Gurumayi wrote: “Without the experience of inner love, without embracing God’s love, without the darshan of one’s own true nature, without the awareness of So’ham, “I am That“, a human being is like an empty container.”

So when we are aware of something missing inside us, and we do our own journeying and find that we need to cultivate more love in our lives in this unattached way, without neediness, dependency on another, expectation or the other manifestations of the ego around love, then we are moving towards cultivating something wholely precious, beautiful, utterly fulfilling. For when the ego really and truly gets out of the way, That is all there Is.

This weekend, perhaps you could spend some time meditating on your heart centre, in the awareness that there dwells love. Whether you feel it or not doesn’t matter. It is the intention and the practice that matters. It maybe that lots of stuff needs to be got out of the way first. But if one sets out with the intention to create more authentic, genuine love in one’s life, we steadily draw it to us. Consistency is needed, along with a willingness to face what comes up along the way. But the results are a treasure indeed.

Disappointed expectations can often be expressed as rage. The pain that underlies it, the depth of the upset, comes out as anger, and it takes more work to elicit the underlying hurt. These feelings get locked in the body, especially if not expressed. For many of us, we learned to suppress how we felt in a society not so tolerant of self-expression: “Behave yourself…button it…be quiet…”, etc. The anger may rumble on underneath, perhaps surfacing every now and again in some event that triggers the underlying hurt. We may feel the anger, and its related upset, in a body tension, and later on in life in illnesses such as those related to the heart.

So it is useful to pay attention to the sense that we have not got from life what we expected. This is as relevant to people feeling very driven in say their work and their careers as it is in relation to a relationship. Another example might be the drive to be successful, and continually feeling we’ve not got it, or not got it “enough”. There’s a lack of satisfaction in some way that we seek from life and don’t get it, feel frustrated, and keep coming back to the same issues. In Gestalt terms it is an incomplete Gestalt, unfinished business, in relation to past events being expressed in present-day circumstances.

Thus it is so valuable to find ways to let go of expectation, desire, wanting, needing, where it is driving us unhealthily, and do something to safely release the pent-up emotion in the body, and not at your own or others’ expense. If it has affected our health of course, it is wise to do that under some form of professional support from people who have experience and knowledge in this area. And lots of exercise too, since the stored-up emotion will very likely manifest in a body state that needs exercise in part to restore its healthy functioning. So, with great care.

Good seeking, that which takes us to the discovery of who we really are, to a place of inner acceptance and a love of oneself and of one another unconditionally, has a healing all of its own. When we let go and connect with our inner positivity, we release masses of positive chemicals, and of course feel a whole lot better about ourselves and about life. So, instead of potential heart disease, imagine the benefits of meditating on your heart centre and releasing the love that dwells within!

Some learn from these early experiences and don’t let their emotions get the better of them. In emotional intelligence terms we could say we learn a form of self-control, “keeping disruptive emotions and impulses in check,” (Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence at Work). For others disappointment and disiilusionment is something we don’t get used to, and we keep repeating the pattern. One classic pattern is to go through a cycle of hope and expectation followed by crashing disappointment, only to repeat the cycle again. Others live in a state of pessimistic hope, where they hope for a good outcome but actually believe it won’t happen, a sort of set-up for it not happening. It can almost seem as if there’s a fatal flaw in the whole setup, whereby we know inside it won’t work out,and so it deosn’t. Some can have a perpetual sense of resignation in their energy and body or a look of disappointment, as if they’re constantly disappointed with life and other people. Very sad.

It might be partly about the whole question of expectation, having expectations about life and other people. Another emotional intelligence “behaviour” in the “Self-Management” cluster that Goleman refers to above is adaptability or flexibility in handling change.  Then too it is about recognising and accepting that others are different and can change too and have their own desires, which don’t necessarily chime with yours. We can learn a softness and acceptance about life, a recognition that nothing is permanent at the human level and the need to change ourselves and be self-responsible. After all, there may be another way forward that appears when we let go, one even better!

However, for those attached to expectation, it isn’t like that. Here, people might hang on to what they want and place an emotional investment in things being a certain way. They may for example have experienced such loss early on that they hang on emotionally to others and seek to get them to fit their own expectations for fear of having to face the uncertainty and risk of it being different from that.

It then can be hard to see that when we truly let go of all expectation, totally and unconditionally, it then works out as we had wanted. But we have to have let go of it. A paradox – like Life!

Without wishing to get too far into the realm of human accomplishment in practical terms, because surely there’s lot’s who have achieved a lot. I’m thinking more of the inner driver, the inner wish, that which senses also a lack of accomplishment and that something is missing.

Yogis and others would say this is because we get ensnared by desire, wanting, in the egoic sense, and we get attached to it and it eats away inside. Others might say it is inappropriate goals. Or that we have a limiting belief that we won’t make it. All of these and more could be explored.

However, I’m interested here in the very fact of seeking. In terms of non-dual philosophy, by seeking we’re setting ourselves up to be another subject in search of an object, that which we seek, and therefore immediately make ourselves separate from it. And this can be the knub of the problem, the sense of being separate.

A classic way the sense of separation is experienced is feeling very separate from one you are in relationship with. The anxiety of separation eats into the relationship and drives the other one away, especially if it is accompanied by intense neediness, seeking love from another.

More generally people can feel separate in all sorts of ways, such as in social situations, feeling lonely, feeling apart from others, or engagement with life and living in its broadest sense.

Feeling separate from that which we seek could be said to be a core human dilemma. From a non-dualist perspective we are all One. Yet our human ego experience is that we are separate, and hence get to feel unloved, alone, abandoned, isolated, or at least those of us that connect at this level. So we might say that the early experience of the infant at fearing being separated from her/his mother taps into this core human dilemma. Existential aloneness and problems with infant bondedness get mixed up with each other, one fuelling the other.

From a spiritual perspective, this is all an illusion and hence part of the work is to let go of such feelings and to focus awareness on the sense of connectedness within us, as in meditation but also in our engagement with others. For example one can work to increase the feeling of connection and to hold to that in contact with others.

This is the sort of learnings we provide in The Point of Awareness.

You might, for example, be in a cafe musing on the world in general or deep in something you are reading, when you hear a song that sparks a memory. Or you are sitting outside and you are watching some children playing, and you remember a scene from your own childhood. You see some people pass and watch them talking, and somehow you feel very at one with them in the dynamic – and you feel love inside you. You are at a meeting, and someone discloses something very human and touching about themselves, and yours and everybody’s hearts open, and you feel love.

Love can be around, anytime, anywhere, for when we experience it, yes even when we choose to. There’s something about opening ourselves to what’s inside us. It seems like it’s something outside of us, like there’s a trigger or a reminder or a connection. Yet the experience is inside us.

Meditators would say it’s there all the time. For them it might be a matter of taking their awareness within, letting go of whatever is going on, and steadily settling and focusing the mind, and then allowing the state of love to emerge. In fact you could stay there and let it grow and grow.

Yet, the ego part of the mind can kick back in and we go off somewhere. Or the mind doesn’t seemingly allow us to go there in the first place, or lets say our ego part.

This is where self-awareness work is so important. It’s that ego, all those patterns, in yogic terms samskaras from past lives, memory, habit, limited thinking, limiting decisions, who we think we are, repeat thoughts, fears, anxiety and worry, past resentments, stuff stored up in our system, that so many of us are in denial of, desensitising ourselves from our awareness or deflecting our awareness from what hurts, all this inside that keeps us from our love.

So the external manifestation of missing love, that today might be a reminder of, is but also a mirror of an inner pain.

Dealing with all this will open you to the real love that dwells within, the parting of the 60,000 veils of illusion.

And that reaction, if it’s at all true for you, is one reason why it’s important to write about love. If there’s a part of us that feels rather remote from love at some level at the moment, then we ought to be sitting up and asking ourselves why.

Here’s a few reasons: we might for example feel that producing a St Valentine’s Day card is a routine gesture for your partner (and they might too!), something to keep them sweet, or to “make up” for all the tiffs and arguments that perhaps typify the relationship. So what’s missing in the relationship that it’s like this? If there’s a reluctance to mark the day as an expression of how we truly feel about another, then perhaps we ought to be asking ourselves why. Otherwise we’re not being honest.

Watch the soaps (well, if you do…). Their plot lines are usually built around some form of deception to a loved one, a failure or reluctance to be open and honest. And we all watch hooked, because it is a mirror of some aspect of us, at some level, or has been and we’re not free of it yet.

Then we can take this theme more broadly too. If there’s a part of us that groans about St Valentine’s Day, or feel sceptical or cynical, for the self-awareness explorers that is if not the rest of us, it’s worth exploring what happens for us that we distance ourselves in some way in relation to love.

For example I’m often struck how people find it a bit difficult to just say the word. Many people don’t say it cleanly. It often sounds overlain with embarrassment. Like we’re not comfortable with some aspect of it. We might, for example, be feeling vulnerable around love, or that we’re some of us embarrassed or ashamed about its associations with sex, let’s say. Perhaps we’ve had trouble with love in the past, or are currently. Maybe we feel deep down inside a big hole about love. After all, so many of us feel or have felt unloved, or are constantly seeking love from another. We might therefore feel the pain, or seek to deflect our awareness away from it because we can’t bear the pain, or we’ve learned to desensitise our awareness so as to not feel it at all.

This can be much more the truth for so many of us, the pain we feel about love, in relation not just to a partner or ex-partner, but to our parents, perhaps to an early abandonment experience that we’d rather not remember. It could be that we were loved, deeply, by our parents but our very early experience was of being left with another in ways that caused us to feel abandoned and unloved. It’s a not uncommon experience.

And we split from love at some level when the subject comes up. That tells a story.