SELF-ENQUIRY AND AUTHENTICITY

How do we become who we really are?

This is not some flaky, “new age” vagueness. This is something that actually occurs. It is very real and tangible. It is observable. And you know it when it happens.

You discover authenticity through a process of self-enquiry and through contact with others. In self-enquiry, we learn to ask ourselves such things as, “Is this me? Is this how I feel? Is this how I think?” We also partly learn about who we are through contact with others and the feedback that occurs. A skilled helper, mentor, coach or guide is one such person. Others are, say, people you work with, interact with socially, live with, and so on.

All learning and all action, for example involves a process of self-definition. With self-awareness, we learn to discriminate, to select out that which is authentic from that which is not. We learn what is our ego (our limited self, that which is our learned identity), as opposed to who we really are.

Here is an example:

Ruth was a very successful business-woman, with a high profile leadership role. All seemed to be going well. Until she got ill and had to take time out, otherwise she would have burned out. This precipitated a crisis for her. She had always been successful. She had always worked hard, managed others well, made good decisions and been praised for what she achieved. Yet, her body was telling her something else. And now she had to listen to it.

She learned, through the support she received, that who she was was not the person who was successful. That person, her ego self, was inauthentic. It was her driver, based on her life experience which had apparently taught her that, to feel OK and – crucially – to be approved of by others, she must act this way. This worked so far, until she cracked up. Her process of discovery led her somewhere else. We would call this a healing crisis – something that calls you to be whole, to be who you really are. The challenge is, do we listen to it? Many don’t.

And what she found was someone who was very able, yes, but also one with a kind and generous heart, one who touched others with her warmth, compassion, humanity, and what she showed others was possible, one who people found later they wanted to be around and be led by. She learned that actually this was what now drew people to her. Yet, and this is the rub, in her old self she had believed she had to be hard, tough, abrasive, and while people worked hard for her, they also felt under pressure, criticised, nervous, and – well – drained. Like her, as it turned out. And now she didn’t need to be like this any more.

At the time, her learning about who she really was, precipitated a further crisis. To her, she felt immobilised, confused, uncertain which way to move in her career, what was she really good at, what was her value. And yet she knew she had skills and she was very frustrated. She wanted to do something – but didn’t know what. And as a result her confidence declined.

This was in fact a vital stage in her metamorphosis. The confusion was part of the transition. Before clarity lies confusion. In the process, she was clarifying who she was and what she could now contribute that reflected her new-found discovery of who she was. Every act is an act of self-definition. In this case, what emerged was a new, authentic, healthy person, with a powerful ability to make a difference and lead others. She could go on to achieve an even higher level of contribution – based on being an authentic leader. She knew who she was. She was aligned internally. And she had a new and powerful sense of purpose. This would now take her forward – powerfully and in alignment both with herself and with others.

There’s lots in this story. And we’ve worked with many who have had elements of this person, male and female.

You don’t have to go this far, of course. But you will probably see that, unless we listen to the whispers, we’ll get the shouts instead, in one form or another. For others, it’s losing their job, or the business going down, or others leaving their jobs, at home the partner leaving, or a decline in the climate at work, or some other major change that compels them to take a good hard look at themselves.

What in your life might correspond with parts of this story?

This person learned to discriminate, to pick out the parts of herself which expressed who she really was, to become more self-aware, so that she could choose the steps in her lives and work which would achieve her highest vision of herself.

And inside each of us is a person aching to express that highest vision – if only we knew how.

And the way is to become self-aware.

To become self-aware, you need to learn the skills of self-enquiry and you need to do some work with others to support you in your growth.